I cannot call last week a long week – it was a perfectly normal-feeling length.  And I can’t call it a bad week without calling out picky whiny things.  It was just a mentally exhausting, totally ‘meh’ feeling week that needed to end, with a comfy blanket and the TV.  Even at the coffee shop I had no ability to put words on screen, and once I ran out of distractions it felt just like clock watching at work.

I can’t do justice in writing to the panic I was put through at work over our insurance potentially changing and confusion over when the out-of-pocket caps reset.  However it started with an awkwardly personal list of questions:

Hi all,

We have a medical insurance renewal coming up, and in order to keep costs down, and optimize coverage, I was hoping you would take a minute this morning to answer the below questions, so I can make an educated decision about the plan to choose going forward…

1.        Our deductible is currently $750/ year.  Do you normally meet that deductible amount in a year’s time?
2.       Our copay amount is currently $30/office visit, or $45/emergency or surgeon visit.   How many copays do you generally have in a year?
3.       Our maximum out of pocket is currently $3000 yearly.  Do you generally meet this maximum out of pocket each year?
4.       Prescriptions are $10 /prescription for generic meds.  Generally how many prescriptions do you fill a year?
5.       Do you have any major medical expenses coming up?
6.       Do you have any major dental work coming up?
7.       Do you have any comments about the medical/dental/vision coverage we currently have that you would like to share with me, to help me make the best choices?

Please take a moment and answer these this morning, as it will help me with the meeting I have at 10am today with the insurance broker.

I expected her to take my estimated 70 prescriptions filled a year as a typo.

I had the rule that Andrew has to be out of school before we have kids – this was decided when he was working at Microsoft so it wasn’t about money, but because while he’s in school, school was priority (as it should be). However when it was time for me to go off my meds I needed to know that I can be priority when necessary, able to pull him away from his computer to just cuddle and watch a movie if necessary and tend to a “meh” kind of mood before it escalated to something worse.

So I found myself wondering if I should test him that night just to see if I could. But the couch time was what I needed, cuddling optional. I also realized that Breaking Bad is not a show to watch to relax.

Saturday – I’ve always hated those anti-depressant commercials (I think Cymbalta is the offender I have in mind) with the soft, soothing voice trying to tell me what it feels like to be depressed. I’ve always been confused by the idea that depression is things other than actually feeling depressed.

But still feeling no motivation to do anything, I’d have wanted to just sleep the time away if that didn’t just bring me closer to going back to work. ‘Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable’ – does this mean I was depressed? ‘—including sex’ – does this mean I wasn’t depressed if I still found sex fun?

Does this mean I’m overthinking normal mood variations again?

Does this mean maybe it’s just a symptom of catching Andrew’s cold, the first time I’ve been “normal” sick in years?

We got takeout Indian food, watched movies, and I got the cuddling I didn’t have to ask for. Recharged after, but not yet ready for, another week of work…

Also I had just decided that I’m feeling impatient over the baby thing just because I’m impatient to know that I can. If there was a test I could take that says, “yep you’re fertile” I’d be relieved and content for the moment. (It doesn’t help that I’m reading things that remind me there could be a problem before we’ve even tried.) However after yet another pregnancy announcement I realized I’m just plain impatient and wanting to get on with the baby thing ourselves! I was actually a little disappointed at the condom, even though I’m still on the pill, hoping for the chance that I’d ‘accidentally’ get pregnant and not have to worry any more.

I wonder if it would help to role-play as teenagers and say things like, “I hope my parents don’t come home right now,” and “I hope I don’t get pregnant, my dad would kill me!”

Maybe next time I’ll try, “I hope the condom doesn’t break, I don’t have any morning after pills!”