When I started this blog I had expected to document my decent into madness, and as a side effect, that I’d be interesting. Instead, I found a different kind of madness. One that involves ovulation tests and temperatures, feeling my own cervix, fertility forums and accepting their acronyms, and the kind of obsessing that only someone TTC during the TWW waiting for AF (okay that’s as far as I can go with that) can understand.

I’ve peed on too many sticks to count, although if you wanted to wait a minute I could… X tests/day for Y days… In my case POAS (there’s another acronym I know) is just a figure of speech because I’m too afraid of my aim and wasting an expensive tests that it’s a win-win that the cheap tests you can buy in bulk are the collect-and-dip variety. When I was ovulation testing three times a day I snuck my testing supplies into the work bathroom at lunch, reading the results in my car. I even crossed the line into crazy when – and before you judge remember that this kind of crazy is what helped me get pregnant – my digital ovulation test errored on the sample that I knew would be positive, and the LH surge it tests for might not last until I got home, I sealed the container, packed it in another bag, and it brought home to test again.

I’ve become more familiar with my own urine than I ever expected. I figure that’s part of the preparation for having kids. That test was positive by the way. I just really wanted to see that smiley face.

The day after I got my (acronyms have invaded my brain) BFP, I found yet another level of crazy. Suddenly I felt like I was only allowed to eat things of the highest nutritional value, like kale, and… just kale. Just days before I had been trying to convince the then-hypothetical fertilized egg to implant because I would (and did) feed it yummy things like macaroni and cheese and cupcakes. I wanted Thai food for lunch and reminded myself that Thai women eat Thai food while pregnant all the time. In the car I wondered if blasting Rise Against was really good for Baby Blastocyst and perhaps I should turn it down. Then on the radio was a Lumineers song I like, but I don’t want future-baby being born liking boring music.

I also realized that, in my mind, this is what’s inside of me:

A couple days later my test lines got horribly faint. I saw my chemical pregnancy coming and after the initial let-down I started to accept it with the same level of disappointment I’ve had when I got my period every other time, with a little bonus excitement at the fact that I know I’m capable of getting pregnant. The Panic Free Pregnancy says what to do about early losses is to just not test early, which is where I rolled my eyes and realized that the book was written by a man. It would be impossible for me to not test early again, but I did spend some time thinking about what I would have done differently if I didn’t know…

– I would not have obsessed and felt guilty over having a single cup of regular tea.

– I would have perhaps drank a cup of raspberry leaf tea a day, preventive against menstrual cramps but questionable safety during early pregnancy.

The biggest thing, I wouldn’t have done the “calendar math”. My chart already tells me that my due date will be October 17 if I conceived this cycle. I saw that 8 weeks, when I think the first appointment/ultrasound usually happens, would be Andrew’s birthday week and wouldn’t that be an amazing present? (Wait, do I get out of buying presents by being pregnant?) My own birthday I would get to flaunt a 5-month belly at my traditional birthday sushi.

I found myself strangely calm about the whole situation… and then my tests got dark again! And calm went back out the window…

The main thing that’s been driving me crazy is that if I hadn’t been testing or tracking in any way, I’d be absolutely convinced that my period was coming as normal. I’ve been spotting nonstop since before my first positive. I’ve had the same little cramps off and on that I always called “warning cramps”, as in, “Guess what, this is just a taste of what’s coming and when it does, it’ll be BAD…” My brain will absolutely not stop thinking, “Oh it’s about to start, you’re not pregnant” every single time I feel one.

I was due today. I read earlier that while the miscarriage risk starts at 40%, it drops to 15% now which is no longer like flipping a coin. I get my blood test tomorrow which will make it official, but today’s the day I feel actually pregnant (except when I don’t) and didn’t take a second (or third, or foruth…) test to prove it. I decided to stop temping so I won’t worry about fluctuations in my temperature and moved the thermometer away from the bed so I can’t change my mind in the morning.