TMI blog time – perineal massage edition!

The things that scare the most about labor are not the contractions. I have mixed feelings about how I’m going to handle that part, because I feel like I have both a higher than average pain tolerance (my doula said this is common in people who deal with chronic illnesses) and at the same time, no tolerance for that kind of pain. However what really scares me is the “ring of fire” and tearing.

The ring of fire because my first time having sex was very, very painful for me. Not, ‘oh it hurt and then it got better’ painful, like stories I’ve heard, or anything else that could be considered normal because I’m convinced that if my experience was typical, the human race would not have survived this far. It ultimately took years before sex wasn’t painful at all for me. So I can’t imagine that accommodating a baby’s head is going to feel any different than that first time.

In fact I think I scared myself more by writing that out!

Tearing then doesn’t really need an explanation – the whole idea is terrifying. I’ve been intending to do perineal massage to help prevent it, although like my plans for prenatal yoga, good intentions haven’t made things happen. Now that I’m at the point of running every little symptom through the ‘is this early labor?’ filter, I’m hoping it’s not too late to have an effect.

One of the sites I looked at had Evening Primrose Oil on the list of possible lubricants so great, I thought as far as that goes. I don’t have to decide between the fancy lube or something out of the kitchen. I have a bottle of capsules bought originally because it’s supposed to help with menstrual cramps, then stopped because it’s supposed to aggravate UC, then put in the get rid of pile and never gotten rid of.

All of the instructions list both ‘solo’ and partner versions but I wanted to get a feel for things by myself first. (Pun not intended… or was it?) Plus it’s a little weird to have to say, “Hey in preparation for not being able to have sex for a long time, do you want to come get all up close and personal with my vagina, in a totally non-sexual way?”

I set up the bed with a towel, mirror, pillows to prop up on, and the fingernail clippers to help puncture my EPO capsule. On the baby forums I’ve seen a number of warnings against getting out the mirror and looking… it’s apparently a traumatizing experience for many. I’m kind of proud to say that I have looked a number of times (like checking on my piercing) and things have pretty much looked the same, except for one day where there was some definite swelling. Or it’s possible that I’ve been swollen ever since and my brain has just decided that this is the new normal, much like it thinks that since I started off a little round, I’ve always been walking around with a bowling ball in my stomach.

What I didn’t expect was to not be able to actually find my vagina! I mean I feel like I know my body, and I was still thinking, “Isn’t there supposed to be a hole in here somewhere??”

And my next thought apparently was that I need to share this experience with the Internet.

Anyway the mirror is irrelevant when you don’t have three hands to hold it in place so I had to go by feel anyway.

1. Wash your hands.

Done.

2. Find a private, comfortable place and sit or lean back in a comfortable position.

There’s really no such thing as a comfortable position at this point, but I’ll let that one pass.

3. Put a lubricant such as KY Jelly, cocoa also butter, vitamin E oil, or pure vegetable oil on your thumbs and around the perineum

Emphasis mine. I’ve also seen olive and coconut oils mentioned. This is what I mean about pulling something from the kitchen.

4. Place your thumbs about 1-1 1/2″ (3-4 cm) inside your vagina…

And this is where I find out that reaching thumbs that far is impossible with that bowling ball in the way. Impossible. Hopefully fingers count. I did my best. My perineum better appreciate it.

The downside has been that afterwards everything smelled like boiled chicken to me. I’m assuming it’s the oil. Pregnancy nose is weird.

Then in the shower I started thinking… Baby C is technically still a fetus, as long as he’s inside, but I’m thinking of him as a baby since at this point he could come out any time, at term. So essentially I have a newborn baby inside of me… which is weird on its own.

But where exactly is the dividing line? While coming out, will he be a half-baby/half-fetus?

Pregnancy brain is weird too.