Since Cameron was born I’ve had a number of strange, notable, and unpleasant dreams.
There was the dream where I realized I actually had twins, and I had no idea how much, if any, either one had been fed since I was just being given a random baby in the night to nurse.
There was the dream where I found a baby in the middle of a field, and his older brother tells me he’s starving and begs me to feed him. (Feeding was a common theme in those early days.) I said I’d be happy to, but I needed permission from their parents first since I’m on medications. This was followed by a disturbing scene with the dad mad at the boy for getting someone else involved, where I got the impression that he was adopting babies like they were pets and then neglecting them.
There was the dream I think of as the “Halloween dream” because it occurred just days before the holiday. A Final Fantasy-style imp was trying to scare me (being Halloween) by transforming into various cartoonish “scary” monsters. Then it realized the scariest thing it could show me and I was given the image of a NICU baby, tiny and covered with wires, fighting for its life. Then it stopped, in front of my eyes.
More recently, that was topped by the dream where I let Cameron drown in the bath.
This one was unfair beyond words because I was just dropped into the situation and never made the choice to walk away. I started out standing in the living room talking to Andrew, and then I remembered Cameron was in the bath in the sink. I rushed back to find him already still under the water. While I woke up before finding out for sure he was dead, it was almost certain.
It took a long time to get over the intensity of this dream, and to try to accept it as a warning to never, ever let that happen.
I feel a bit like I’m being punished right now in exchange for enjoying good things.
Yesterday Cameron took an actual, extended nap in the crib. This meant I got actual, extended time for myself during the day, which I used to clean the kitchen, and then guilt-free (since the “chores” were done) time playing FFXIV, followed by some organizing, (followed by some naked-time which triggered Cameron’s ‘someone else is touching mommy’s boobs’ radar and caused him to wake up).
I was in a great mood after all of this. Then I was punished for enjoying my daytime time to myself with a baby who would not settle down and go to sleep even though it was past his bedtime. And who wouldn’t go back to sleep after his 5am wakeup. Or let me sleep in to my alarm even with him in bed with me.
Today I got a massage, the last of my saved LivingSocial deals. It was wonderful – I may have found my new person for that hypothetical day we have money to spare for this kind of thing on a regular basis. Then I was punished for getting to relax with a generally stressed-out feeling without a direct cause, but may have started with a baby being uncharacteristically fussy while we were still far from home, and a husband being characteristically frustrated being stuck behind a slow driver.
Then bad mommy moment strikes again.
I had to give Cameron a bath because he had smelly feet. (Who knew babies could have smelly feet? Is mine defective?)
I left the washcloth sitting on the table so I called Andrew to bring it to me. Cameron is being extra squirmy these days, and rolling over practically every chance he gets. While I was looking at Andrew, Cameron grabbed the faucet handle and turned on the water. I immediately jumped to turn the water off since he could burn himself if it is set to hot, and while I’m looking that direction, he slips out of my hands his head goes under the water. I jumped to pull him out just as quickly, and he cried in a way I’ve never heard him cry before and wouldn’t stop until I nursed him.
The entire thing happened in the span of a second but I keep replaying it in my head trying to figure out if I did something wrong. He soon acted like nothing ever happened, but I keep remembering seeing his head underwater for that instant matching my dream.
In the shower I just noticed that my areolas are looking lighter. I kept looking because something seemed wrong, but eventually realized that if they get darker during pregnancy, then they must just be going back to normal. I should be happy but I find it strangely depressing, like a part of me is fading, literally.