For those following along, today is worse than Monday. Why is there no drop-your-child-off-for-a-couple-hours-so-you-can-get-away-before-you-go-crazy-and-do-something-you-regret childcare out there? Not ongoing daycare. Not a babysitter I don’t have on call anymore and wouldn’t be available on such short notice. Not one of those date-night events that only happen once a month, in the evening, and are only for 5+ year-olds.

I’m not going to call Andrew at work and tell him to come home early, because I’d just feel dumb as soon as he answered the phone.

I’m not going to beg any mom friends to take him because I haven’t had any opportunities to repay/pay ahead the favor and I don’t want to be in karmic debt.

We’re just going to walk to the grocery store and pretend everything is okay, when it’s not.

Full disclosure: We’re on hour 7 of not going back to sleep/napping after a 5:40am wake-up. When he woke up AGAIN after (I lost count of how many attempts we were at) I nursed him to sleep and tried to transfer him to the crib, I threw him back down in the crib and screamed at him to lay down and go to sleep.

I don’t have words right to properly describe physically throwing my baby, even onto a soft surface, or how he screamed hard in response and then got completely quiet. Words are too gentle. His quietness scared me more than his screaming and when I went back he was just sitting there, looking back at me. I took him back to the bed and cried and he laughed at me crying, having no idea his mom is going crazy.

He still hasn’t slept.

I still haven’t gotten that night off I was promised a year ago when he was allowed to have a bottle and Andrew could have night duty once in a while.

My appointment with the psychiatrist is next Wednesday.

I guess I finally went and got interesting.